Fantisezed emotions appearing real

"single .. not ready to mingle " were the few words i used to chant 24months ago.. was a very outgoing, friendly, smiling, chirpy, loving, sweet, polite, carefree girl..and most of all loved by all! never used to worry about anything except for my studied were i hated maths and never used to pass in that subject.. other than that divya was a humane human being. i loved being myself..loved to move around with people,, see them smile and wander around the city aimlessly all alone no one to complain about any damn thing..no one to force me to do anything.. no one to restrict me.. no one to boss around! was a free bird and a lonely one too! but the point is .. i was happy..
whenever ppl used to ask me about a boy friend , i used to laugh and mock them saying ." ooh ppl,.! puh-lease..don't start it off again for i know what shit you guys are undergoing.. just let me be happy you jealousy fat asses!" heheh.. if someone asks me out also i used to say.." sorry Mann,, son feel bad but im single and never wanna mingle! better luck" this was not because i was very proud of myself or was a very rude egoistic person.. it was because of the mindset that falling in love is pain in the butt~!even my seniors were on the verge of looking out for a boy friend for they always say." look at that girl.. always in her own world.. dont ya think we need to find her a boy friend to keep her sane??? hahaha" but i never paid heed to whateva they said! i was the same o' loving divya!
REMEMBER REMEMBER THE 10TH OF DECEMBER! 2005.. before my board exams.. was preparing science and asusual dozing off! but all of a sudden my cell phone called me! "divya.. u gotta message!" i took th ephone from under the bed and checked the message.. and it was from a random person saying " hey div.. sup!" i was like fuck off! and started studying.. but again the same person messaged me saying " hey div this is rohith s friend..he gave me your number.. jus wanted to greet ya. msg me when you are free!" this was the second msg from that boy! i dint bother to reply for a very long while.. but befor i went to bed that night i was lil curious to know why rohith had given my number to him and so i took my phone and asked rohith about this.. and you know what he replied? " hey div,, i only gave him your number.. he is also single and very sweet.. so much like you and your kinda guy.. and i thought you'd make a wonderful pair! go ahead" . i was like.. what the hell.. rohith's started a new job?? lol!!
next day that same guy msgd me the whle day and i started replying when he told me he was gonna call me soon and talk to me..i replied..
me- hey look.. i don't know who you are and i request you not to msg me anymore.. and im saying this coz u r rohith s friend.. bye!
him- hey wait div.. i just wanna be ur friend and nothing like rohith said.. trust me.. he s a mad fellow! anyways.. how are you.. have heard a lot from ro!
me-( after a long thought.._ yeah im good.. hows you.. what u doing..?
him- oh gr8. im doing good.. im studying engg in Hindustan and stay very close to your place..!
me- oh.. nice.. anyways i gotta go.. catch ya later z! bubyee!
him- ok~ cya!
hmmm... so finally i replied and spoke to a stranger guy with a weird feeling! but chucked it.. but know what.. that night i was awake till 2,... i was bored and took the phone and dialed this fellows number!!!!!! how could i!!guts!!
he picked up and his voice was very low.. i asked him what the matter was and he told me that his friend had passed away in an accident few minutes ago! i was shocked! dint know how to react! but i tried consoling him with my angelic powers and made him smile for sometime and hung up! trust me .. that was a very weird as well as a beautiful feeling i had ..! i dint know how to express it but i wanted to talk to that fellow again and again! i cannot call this love but some sort of affection that grew over a period of time.. i went for a movie with him and his friends. chat over the phone and lot more but the feeling of love never sprang in me but unfortunately sprang in him! three months later .. he called me and told me he wants to meet me.. i was like what for i need ta study! he said no its urgent i need a talk..! listening to this my friends started teasing me with him badly! but i did meet him that day! went to coffee day and he was sitting there with a sweaty face and a small smile on his face! i was like.. whats wrong with u! y did ya wanna meet? i sat down and he came close.. and said.. " div.. i like you.. will u be mine!? " i was like.." eh?? what? are you in your senses? what you talking about??" his face became pale! he could not react for i never stopped talking! i said.. look this wont work// we were good friends and let it be that way! love will spoil th relationship that we have now.. and told him we ll be together as good friends...and i gave him one big speech and finally he smiled at me and gave me a hug!! :)
i came back home with a proud feeling of knowing how to tackle things like this and not hurting the other person.. today both of us are good friends and he is in abroad .. still single!!:)
miss you Mann!

i think i did a mistake in naming my blog " im happy"
i am not happy! my happiniess is never lasting! its always for a short period of time that i am happy! my smile often fades away in seconds! i am always cursed.. i am always blessed with sorrow! though i try thinking positive.. its not happening! i try smiling but eventually its turns out to be a frown! what do i do.. i have become a victim for so many other things.. so many other people..
i nowadays dont think straight.. i hurt a lot of ppl.. i don make them smile as i always used to.. its all changed.. life is totally a hell now! wanna leave this hell! what do i do!??!!

you all must be wondering why i have put up a picture of a band called public issue in my blog.. yeah.. the band that has greatly influenced me and affected me.. a very different band , with different genre and with a very different outlook about music..
they play rock.. progressive rock, jazz, blues, and every kind of experimental music! first time i saw them play was at unwind, adyar. amazing talents, extraordinary feel and most importantly their chemistry n stage! just loved them.. and still do! their biggest inspiration is mr.big and dream theater and taq..and...dave mathews... and few more..
to talk about their compositions.. phew.. his blog is not enough! truly mind blowing..they just come up with terrific compositions which no one would ever predict! one such song is called from the top.. starts wit a very peppy feel and goes to jazz and metal and blues! wow! simply superb! and their song called !xobile! is all time fav!
now moving on to the members of the band.. christo on the vocals.. a very versatile singer..amazing voice culture and very cute fellow! he can still improve on his vocals by practicing(no offense.. i still love the way you sing!)he is studying something in m.c.c.. and hardly attends coll! lol.. hes usually refered to as the "kuttu yaanai"( small elephant.. damn cute).
next comes nipun nair.. a versatile guitarist.. genius ...and amazingly talented! love his riffs and his patches and his tones! hes the creator of music !! truly a genius!
and next is tibu/ vinod .. everyone's fav bassy! ppl wonder how flwlwessly his fingers move! he is gonna hit the peak soon!
and next is the baby of the band.. hehe.. vinay , the drummer! lol.. very nice fellow.. tremendous hidden talents.. you'll have fun watching him play.. too good~!
ummm... this band has changed my life!

its good to see my blog page again after a long period of tome for my computer was screwed!! im so happy now!! missed u all out there!! had so much to write in this short while but unfortunately my access to the computer was nil but now,, ill put down everything!! yaaay!
love u ppl!

FEAR according to me is a four letter word which makes no sense! Fantacised Emotions Appearing Real is FEAR.
WE as humans know much more things and virtues than anyother being on earth. we have the capacity to understand and analyse various things in and around us BUT... we do not use our senses and capabilities to do any of the above things.. most of the times we dont use our brains to segregate what is crrect and what is not! we have become too lathargic to even think. in spite of us knowing that fear is just a feeling and it is not going to cause us any good.. we still fear many things in our day to day lives! we fear hit by a car when we crosd the road.. we fear our own dogs.. we fear if we ll make a mistake during a public speaking session.. we fear if we ll drown in the swimming pool inspite of knowing the fact tht we know swimming and so on! FEAR is always there in our minds .. it is always there in our bodies.
as long as fear is there t is very difficult for us to move ahead in our lives. our growth is hindered and unnecessary problems occur! fearing exams .. fearing our professors.. fearing our parents .. occur only when we comit a mistake and its all due to sheer laziness! the sub consious mind believes that fear is permanent and one can never overcome it..! our mind set is so tht we believe tht fear is essential! but NO! fear is a poison tht will slowly kill your progress and growth! fear is a silent obserever which will never talk thro words but thro silence..! fear is just a fantasy! fear is just UNREAL!
ONE DAY when i had been in bali near indonasia a group of us went to do bungee jump and we were extremely excited! no words to express my excitement and its was something new for us! ive never seen a person jump for such a great height in real! we were all decked up and it was my chance to climb the steps which lead to the top. i was all smiling and jumpimg when i was climbling but slowly.. some wierd feeling started creepin inside me! and when i went up all my smile slowly faded away and nervousness was obvious in my face! there were five ppl wot me and i was the third to jump!the first person jumped,, without any FEAR ! he was so damn cool and composed that he did a perfect jump! next was one small girl.. very bold and happy .. she also did a perfect "let go " jump! next was an uncle.. he was not happy and excited and he wanted to back out.. looking at the beach in front of him and the height where he was standing he started trembling .... tht made me even uneasy.. ppl down were all yelling and screamin! lol... tht uncle created a big scene! was funny! finally he jumped a "suicide" jump as they called it!
phew... next was me!mann! my hormones started rushing and was all nervous! first thing tht came to my mind was " do i have to do this??" and the fear in me started building and stopped me from doing it! i was like.. wot the hell.. i have to do it and the trainer guy standing right behind me waiting to push me is encouragin me to jump and boosting my confidence!lol.. but alas! it dint work.. i finally did a funny suicide jump..! i was so ashamed! i could ve done it better! when a small girl could do it why cant i!!! its all cause of the FEAR in me! inspite of me knowing tht the rope tht is holding me is no way gonna snap..and the expertise the trainers had .. i still feard to jump! why!! this is what we call lack of trust! trust is really important in our lives to get past all our fears! we have to first trust ourselves! we have to trust our abilities! we have to trust everyhting tht we do! if i have had tht trust tht time during my jump.. i would have done it beautifully!! i wouldn have done a dumb jump like tht... tht day i learnt a lesson not to fear unnecessarily and learn to let go things.... after all life is for once and we dont have a second chance!!
DO NOT FEAR FOR IT IS NOT REAL!

23rd Feb 2007.. was eventful in its fag end.. but the rest of the day was blah! too many things happened and a confused day! college sucked big time and my class was totally irritated! and then had too many plans to hang out with ppl..but everyone ditched! humph! konjam disappointment! but yeah.. I'm learning to take things as it comes..though quite a difficult task for me! i manged to be patient and calm in spite of getting pissed of for getting bored! so.. umm.. yeah..this blog might seem Lil negative but no.. i am writing it a positive sense..I'm developing tolerance and i wanted to share it with you! was reluctant to write this post but eventually did! :)