Fantisezed emotions appearing real

for the past few days this is the only thing that i hear from people around me..
"why you like this div..whats wrong..why you down all the time..",
" don worry mann..im there for you..even i underwent all this.."
my heartfelt thanks to everyone who cared for me and who cares for me..
i would like to tell you all a story..
REMEMBER REMEMBER THE 15TH OF NOVEMBER..there blossomed a cute lil girl baby from her mother's womb..she was beautiful and charming. everyone loved her and the atmosphere was filled with happYness!. she started walking when she was 8months and she started talking even when she was in her mother's womb! haha..
then it came to the naming ceremony for the girl baby. it was as if the whole world was running out of names!!! no one could fine her a perfect name!!:(
then suddenly her cousin brother popped into the crowd and screamed "i have a name for her!!" people were surprised! and they asked him the name.he was then studying his pre-school.damn sweet fellow for he was one soul who was waiting for the baby's birth!
"i have a name! i have a name!" after a pause he said.." but..aunty promise me you'll name her the name i say!ok..?" people around grinned and asked him the name..he told them the name and everyone was surprised!they all liked the name and it suited her so perfectly!!! but everyone were so curious that they grabbed him and asked him why he suggested that name!!! he replied with an innocent smile "he he.. that my girl friend's name in school" and he ran away! thus the girl baby was named!
she then started going to school...she was too cute for people to take eyes off her..she was quite at the same time a naughty brat!
at school she was the most talented kid but very mischievous! she never scored anything less than the first mark! her teachers used to be very proud of her.. but her mischief was boundless.!!
she used to run out of the class when the teacher was there! she used just pull out the teacher's Saree and run away! lol.. and yeah.. she used to bribe her fellow mates to do her home-works!!!heights mann! shes only in the pre-school! but yet..none complained for they loved her for the way she was!
he mom used to tie her up in the gates..lock her up in the room for throwing all the vessels into the well.. but she was loved more than anything that anyone could think of!oops! i forgot to mention her best fren since she joined school! yes! mithun mohandas! wow! they used to paly all possible pranks on everyone and still they are the same! they used to life girls skirts in school and check out what panties they were wearin! lol(thts wot everyone used to tell me!)
but evolution never forgets its work.. tremendous change took place in her..
she grew older..very matured..grew to be more beautiful and charming...but things changed.. she started loving solitude.. she stated loving her music and her activities..she loved to be loved yet stayed away from others..! none could understand her.she had very few close friends and one among them was one girl called ramya.very sweet girl who never left her..who stood by her during all her ups and downs!
she then finished her schooling..but one unexpected incident happened in her life..she fell in love..madly in love..that she decided to live the rest of her life with her love..they both made a lovely pair..they were happy and they spread happiness..
there is always a but.. :( ..yes.. they fell apart..due to many unavoidable circumstances.
she was drowned in misery and sorrow when another prince charming came into her life. she saw him like the way she saw her mother. she adored him.she respected him for what he was.she loved him more than anything in the whole world.she did everything for him.she never wanted to lose him forever.everyone envied them.they said "what a lovely cute pair..hope they lived together happily." but..did they??
the girl was unlucky as usual as people blame the poor "luck goddess"!
she fell sick..she forgot what sleep was..she never spoke to anyone..she grew gloomier day by day..she forgot her beautiful smile..her love blinded every other beautiful things around her..she repent for what she had done..
but what can be done now..sulk all her life..?? she wanted to move on..but she found it very hard..
then came her angel godmothers for her rescue..they are with her now ,.taking care of her.. trying to make her smile and bring back her happiness..for they all wish for her wellbeing.she has a very bright future but she doesn't see it.hope she gets well soon and finds her path to success.
please wish her luck!

umm...im kinda clear about what i want.. though not completely..
days have changed..times have changed where i used to be a kid...i used to depend on people around me..smile for the slightest of things.. jump around joblessly at home..carefree..
but now.. i know what i want..i don't let people hurt me cause im not worth it...i have started socializing with many other people which i was not doing for the past few months..i have started bringing smiles in many people..both i know and i dont.
i dont bother what tomorrow has for me for now im learning to live the present. i might have many problems in life..but im seeing myself as a bigger problem..
im not letting others control my life..for i am its master!
life seems lil easy now..less confused!i know my priorities..i am able o take things in a lighter sense..less offensive....
but there is always a dark side that surfaces .. i dont know what to with it..??????

i must tell you.. this was one helluva show that Ive ever seen.. for that matter no one in India would have seen such a show! yes! i was there when iron maiden performed! they were simply mind blowing!
maiden is one band that any one in India recognizes and always craved to watch them play! and here they came a rocked the stage!
i went with my friends nipun and tushar and his frens from bangalore..i took the train from chennai on 16th night and reached b'lore on 17th mornin and guess what we did! all of us went straight to the palace grounds where the show was about to take place.it was 7.30 in the mornin when we went there and the gates were closed! hmph! we had to sit out with few sri lankan maiden fans.. we were some 20 in number most of them smoking and few others eatin breakfast! lol..
and then .. we were let in around 9am and the security near the stage checked out tickets and let us into the stage venue! shit! we were hardly 30 and we we stunned to see the stage settings! we were so so so happy to go in first for all we wanted is to stand right in the front row and admire the maidens! but.. unfortunately one big,fat ass security guys came and shooed us off! and so we had to go outta the stage ground and sit out were one line was suppused to be formed.
slowly ppl started comin n and formed on huge crowd. but still tushar dint wanna back ut and never let ppl cme in front of him and so did we stand with him.
mann.. you should have seen the maiden fans sit under the sizzling hot sun, carefree.. jus waitin to see the godz!
at one point of time.. the crowd started gettin restless.. at around 1pm..few ppl from the crowd started moving towards the entry area and guess what our die hard fans did!!!! they thought the entry was open and everyone started runnin towards the entry and rushing to get the first place to stand! mann i was literally pushed down and got nicely hit by one idiot's helmet! phew..
but.. omg.the security ppl were stuck up and dint let us in and instead asked us to form a line outside the entry.
like good kids we also paid heed and formed lines..and it extended to some two kilometers i guess! lol..
but it was like 2.30pm and we were still waitin like fools outside the entry area. so we started banging the walls and throwing bottles and even the security's cap! lol.. was real fun!
then it became 3 and we were completely restless and so we started pushing in front(thank god there wasn't any stampede!)
we also started playing cards! lol
and then finally after slogging for two whole hours they decided to let us in. but the other entrance which no one knew were let in first and so they occupied the first few rows!:( but yeah.. if i would ve stood in the front rows i would have died of suffocation.even tushar came off!
the first band to perform was called FTN who won the campus rock idols(wish public issue played). FTN was real bad mann.. they could n control the crowd!! the crowed pulled them off the stage!
next on stage was a band called PARIKRAMA! the kicked ass! seriously they were mind blowing(my kinda music!) the band as a whole was amazing.too good music and they were extremely lively! the violinist kicked ass!(yeah.. they had a violinist and a tabla player!kick ass no?)
next band tht played was//umm// yuck! i just couldn stand! it was stve harris' daughter's band..lauren harris! shit! we jus couldn stand her! she jus went on and on.. she couldn jus sing! the mob was yellin at her to get off the stage! lol.. i seriously hated her! lol..
finally!! phew! it was maiden!!!!!!!!!they appeared with a bang! mann bruce dickenson! shit! i jus couldn believe i was actually there to witness them perform!it was truely a very nice feeling to be there u know? i just forgot everything!
ppl were drunk..doped..high..headbanging..excited to see their godz..jumping..pushing/. yelling//! what a sight! 50,000 fans.. phew!
once the started .. the crowd went crazy! number after number the crowd fell on their feet! i heard one guy say " mann.. i don want anything more in my lif.. i shall die now" and another girl " i ve seen my godz.. i ve attained salvation.. kill me!!!" hahahaha
everthing was soooper! but.. huh the event managing company..DNA NETWORKS! i tell ya! they sucked big time.. it was poorly organised! no water!no proper food. they dint let us take anythin into the venue! for 50000 ppl. they had one food stall and one drinks stall where they gave "mirinda sorbet" lol!!!
but.. i must say.. after all this slogging and struggle..i dint seriously feel the pain.. we were standing all day and still we were ready to take anything for the performance!
ummm.. i felt nice writing this post! was like a recap to what i saw there! :)

"If you love someone, set them free. If they come back to you, they're yours. If they don't, they never were." aren't these words true?? i got these lines in my mobile..someone sent it to me..it actually affected me so much! and thats y i am here writing this post!
coming to the point.. im a person badly affected by love..i think the greatest mistake that i did all my life is falling in love..(i actually don't mean that) but yeah.. when u r ditched by someone its awful! its very hard to take it.. at least for me.. for the past few days.. ive totally lost myself.. no food.. no sleep.. nothing! im feeling miserable! but why! why should i undergo all this shit? y should i undergo this trauma! i don't deserve this..! do i?? do i deserve this kind of humility?/ do i have to take this intolerable insult? i don't think so..i have my life.. and i wanna be happy! i have my mom! i have myself!! im gonna love myself! why should i love someone who doesn even respect foe the slightest bit!
if u ever loved someone.. let them be themselves.. let them go..love them for what they are.. and if they come back they had loved you, they love you , and they will love you.....and they were your's
but..
if they don't they never ahd loved you.. they were never your's

will time heal my wounds?
answers!

*HUGS* TOTAL!
give divya more *HUGS*

Get hugs of your own

yet to write this post.. this is one decision i nver wanna take. but ..now.. ive lost everythin in life.. im gonna lose my music also..

ive always wondered when i was young , how ppl take pictures by tht one click.. its always been a fantasy for me to take photos.. but now.. i m happy tht im lil bit educated about photography and now im a decent photographer.:)
it all started when i was very young when mom took to me to my uncle's place..he s a very well known cinematographer and an awesome photographer..
i went there and was talking to my cousins.. and went around the house to see what all they have.. ( after all i was a curious kid!)
i went to my uncle's room and was awe struck! he had beautiful pictures hung on the walls which were so lively and true and real!! i couldn believe my eyes.. each picture spoke for itself.. they were alive.. i was so stunned to see those pictures.. i asked my aunt who the photographer was and the answer was obvious.. yeah.. it was my uncle..!
i was like " ma.. i also wanna take pictures like these..!" as if i knew everything! lol
mom asked me to go to my uncle and talk to him.. but i refused for he was lil moody and reserved. and i was tht time very scared of him.. but i always respected him fro a distance! hehe
days passed.. and i finished my schooling and was time for me to choose my career! and first thing tht came to my mind was photography and music.. and it was then i decided to opt for elec media..
and here i stand before you.. as an a-mature photographer ...craving to learn more and more..
i thank my uncle who has been my guru tho i dint directly learn from him..i still silently admire his works! thank you.
ps. i won my coll photography competition recently which not in my widest dreams i thought of!! thanks again for those who liked my pictures!:)

ok.. im sad.. terribly sad and feelin very low.. no one to talk .. trust me NO ONE! even if i can spot someone around me to talk. they wouldn bother listenin to me..hmph.
life sux..
1.it sux coz of me..
2.coz of me misinterpreting ppl and their qualities!
3.coz i dont know to live my life..
4.coz im weak,.weak at heart and intellectually weak!(nothin can be done..??)
5.coz im ditched by ppl.. totally..dont know why..!?!#$
6.coz ppl think im wicked..bad.. fit for nothing. blah blah..( i think im not.. but cant really help if ppl think so..)
7.life sux coz guys suck! they suck majorly.. i hate tht species.,. don't really understand why god even had the slightest of plans to create them.. he should have either created man or woman.. or some other totally diff species who have absolutely no discrimination.!:(
8.life is fake. life has no meaning.. no purpose unless u r some sadhu sitting on some mountain urging urself to find out what life actually is..( i think im gonna do that eventually)
9.life sux coz i got caught in many messy activities that led to my doom.. for instance..falling in love.."love is shit..love is not true,, love can never last.. love brings smile only for a very short period of time and gives us sorrow for the rest of our lives.."
10.last reason tht i can think of is .. umm... human beings are a bunch of flesh eating demons! life sux!
for the past twelve hours,,,
i ve been talkin to my room walls.. to the stars in my rrom.. to my computer.. i tore off my teddy..
im feelin so terribly sick!im feverish..wot not..?
my room walls r the only entities who know abt me and what im undergoin..
not that no one else knows abt it.. but they r jus not bothered..
all dialogs ... the mushy talks.. the hugs..the kisses.. the warmth ..the love.. the friendship..the touch..the small talks.. the cuddles.. everything is gone and it will be bygone!
its all so temporary! its all so fake..
ppl around me are not ready to accept me as i am.. they think im cake of shit! but i am not..im also a sane human who can socialize..but ppl around me are not ready to accept this.. i tend to make mistakes.. and so does everybody.. u cant forbid ur love coz of that.. its human nature to lose ur temper but.. closing all the past memories in a day.. its not possible,, not possible at least by me!!
now i realize..after twelve hours of staring at the ceiling at a stretch,,
i should never ever be attached to anyone here on.. no love.. no getting together.. NO RELATIONSHIPS!, no ATTACHMENTS!
LIFE SUX.. AND WILL SUCK FOR WHOLE OF MY LIFE..
BUT..
ILL LIVE!

"single .. not ready to mingle " were the few words i used to chant 24months ago.. was a very outgoing, friendly, smiling, chirpy, loving, sweet, polite, carefree girl..and most of all loved by all! never used to worry about anything except for my studied were i hated maths and never used to pass in that subject.. other than that divya was a humane human being. i loved being myself..loved to move around with people,, see them smile and wander around the city aimlessly all alone no one to complain about any damn thing..no one to force me to do anything.. no one to restrict me.. no one to boss around! was a free bird and a lonely one too! but the point is .. i was happy..
whenever ppl used to ask me about a boy friend , i used to laugh and mock them saying ." ooh ppl,.! puh-lease..don't start it off again for i know what shit you guys are undergoing.. just let me be happy you jealousy fat asses!" heheh.. if someone asks me out also i used to say.." sorry Mann,, son feel bad but im single and never wanna mingle! better luck" this was not because i was very proud of myself or was a very rude egoistic person.. it was because of the mindset that falling in love is pain in the butt~!even my seniors were on the verge of looking out for a boy friend for they always say." look at that girl.. always in her own world.. dont ya think we need to find her a boy friend to keep her sane??? hahaha" but i never paid heed to whateva they said! i was the same o' loving divya!
REMEMBER REMEMBER THE 10TH OF DECEMBER! 2005.. before my board exams.. was preparing science and asusual dozing off! but all of a sudden my cell phone called me! "divya.. u gotta message!" i took th ephone from under the bed and checked the message.. and it was from a random person saying " hey div.. sup!" i was like fuck off! and started studying.. but again the same person messaged me saying " hey div this is rohith s friend..he gave me your number.. jus wanted to greet ya. msg me when you are free!" this was the second msg from that boy! i dint bother to reply for a very long while.. but befor i went to bed that night i was lil curious to know why rohith had given my number to him and so i took my phone and asked rohith about this.. and you know what he replied? " hey div,, i only gave him your number.. he is also single and very sweet.. so much like you and your kinda guy.. and i thought you'd make a wonderful pair! go ahead" . i was like.. what the hell.. rohith's started a new job?? lol!!
next day that same guy msgd me the whle day and i started replying when he told me he was gonna call me soon and talk to me..i replied..
me- hey look.. i don't know who you are and i request you not to msg me anymore.. and im saying this coz u r rohith s friend.. bye!
him- hey wait div.. i just wanna be ur friend and nothing like rohith said.. trust me.. he s a mad fellow! anyways.. how are you.. have heard a lot from ro!
me-( after a long thought.._ yeah im good.. hows you.. what u doing..?
him- oh gr8. im doing good.. im studying engg in Hindustan and stay very close to your place..!
me- oh.. nice.. anyways i gotta go.. catch ya later z! bubyee!
him- ok~ cya!
hmmm... so finally i replied and spoke to a stranger guy with a weird feeling! but chucked it.. but know what.. that night i was awake till 2,... i was bored and took the phone and dialed this fellows number!!!!!! how could i!!guts!!
he picked up and his voice was very low.. i asked him what the matter was and he told me that his friend had passed away in an accident few minutes ago! i was shocked! dint know how to react! but i tried consoling him with my angelic powers and made him smile for sometime and hung up! trust me .. that was a very weird as well as a beautiful feeling i had ..! i dint know how to express it but i wanted to talk to that fellow again and again! i cannot call this love but some sort of affection that grew over a period of time.. i went for a movie with him and his friends. chat over the phone and lot more but the feeling of love never sprang in me but unfortunately sprang in him! three months later .. he called me and told me he wants to meet me.. i was like what for i need ta study! he said no its urgent i need a talk..! listening to this my friends started teasing me with him badly! but i did meet him that day! went to coffee day and he was sitting there with a sweaty face and a small smile on his face! i was like.. whats wrong with u! y did ya wanna meet? i sat down and he came close.. and said.. " div.. i like you.. will u be mine!? " i was like.." eh?? what? are you in your senses? what you talking about??" his face became pale! he could not react for i never stopped talking! i said.. look this wont work// we were good friends and let it be that way! love will spoil th relationship that we have now.. and told him we ll be together as good friends...and i gave him one big speech and finally he smiled at me and gave me a hug!! :)
i came back home with a proud feeling of knowing how to tackle things like this and not hurting the other person.. today both of us are good friends and he is in abroad .. still single!!:)
miss you Mann!

i think i did a mistake in naming my blog " im happy"
i am not happy! my happiniess is never lasting! its always for a short period of time that i am happy! my smile often fades away in seconds! i am always cursed.. i am always blessed with sorrow! though i try thinking positive.. its not happening! i try smiling but eventually its turns out to be a frown! what do i do.. i have become a victim for so many other things.. so many other people..
i nowadays dont think straight.. i hurt a lot of ppl.. i don make them smile as i always used to.. its all changed.. life is totally a hell now! wanna leave this hell! what do i do!??!!

you all must be wondering why i have put up a picture of a band called public issue in my blog.. yeah.. the band that has greatly influenced me and affected me.. a very different band , with different genre and with a very different outlook about music..
they play rock.. progressive rock, jazz, blues, and every kind of experimental music! first time i saw them play was at unwind, adyar. amazing talents, extraordinary feel and most importantly their chemistry n stage! just loved them.. and still do! their biggest inspiration is mr.big and dream theater and taq..and...dave mathews... and few more..
to talk about their compositions.. phew.. his blog is not enough! truly mind blowing..they just come up with terrific compositions which no one would ever predict! one such song is called from the top.. starts wit a very peppy feel and goes to jazz and metal and blues! wow! simply superb! and their song called !xobile! is all time fav!
now moving on to the members of the band.. christo on the vocals.. a very versatile singer..amazing voice culture and very cute fellow! he can still improve on his vocals by practicing(no offense.. i still love the way you sing!)he is studying something in m.c.c.. and hardly attends coll! lol.. hes usually refered to as the "kuttu yaanai"( small elephant.. damn cute).
next comes nipun nair.. a versatile guitarist.. genius ...and amazingly talented! love his riffs and his patches and his tones! hes the creator of music !! truly a genius!
and next is tibu/ vinod .. everyone's fav bassy! ppl wonder how flwlwessly his fingers move! he is gonna hit the peak soon!
and next is the baby of the band.. hehe.. vinay , the drummer! lol.. very nice fellow.. tremendous hidden talents.. you'll have fun watching him play.. too good~!
ummm... this band has changed my life!

its good to see my blog page again after a long period of tome for my computer was screwed!! im so happy now!! missed u all out there!! had so much to write in this short while but unfortunately my access to the computer was nil but now,, ill put down everything!! yaaay!
love u ppl!

FEAR according to me is a four letter word which makes no sense! Fantacised Emotions Appearing Real is FEAR.
WE as humans know much more things and virtues than anyother being on earth. we have the capacity to understand and analyse various things in and around us BUT... we do not use our senses and capabilities to do any of the above things.. most of the times we dont use our brains to segregate what is crrect and what is not! we have become too lathargic to even think. in spite of us knowing that fear is just a feeling and it is not going to cause us any good.. we still fear many things in our day to day lives! we fear hit by a car when we crosd the road.. we fear our own dogs.. we fear if we ll make a mistake during a public speaking session.. we fear if we ll drown in the swimming pool inspite of knowing the fact tht we know swimming and so on! FEAR is always there in our minds .. it is always there in our bodies.
as long as fear is there t is very difficult for us to move ahead in our lives. our growth is hindered and unnecessary problems occur! fearing exams .. fearing our professors.. fearing our parents .. occur only when we comit a mistake and its all due to sheer laziness! the sub consious mind believes that fear is permanent and one can never overcome it..! our mind set is so tht we believe tht fear is essential! but NO! fear is a poison tht will slowly kill your progress and growth! fear is a silent obserever which will never talk thro words but thro silence..! fear is just a fantasy! fear is just UNREAL!
ONE DAY when i had been in bali near indonasia a group of us went to do bungee jump and we were extremely excited! no words to express my excitement and its was something new for us! ive never seen a person jump for such a great height in real! we were all decked up and it was my chance to climb the steps which lead to the top. i was all smiling and jumpimg when i was climbling but slowly.. some wierd feeling started creepin inside me! and when i went up all my smile slowly faded away and nervousness was obvious in my face! there were five ppl wot me and i was the third to jump!the first person jumped,, without any FEAR ! he was so damn cool and composed that he did a perfect jump! next was one small girl.. very bold and happy .. she also did a perfect "let go " jump! next was an uncle.. he was not happy and excited and he wanted to back out.. looking at the beach in front of him and the height where he was standing he started trembling .... tht made me even uneasy.. ppl down were all yelling and screamin! lol... tht uncle created a big scene! was funny! finally he jumped a "suicide" jump as they called it!
phew... next was me!mann! my hormones started rushing and was all nervous! first thing tht came to my mind was " do i have to do this??" and the fear in me started building and stopped me from doing it! i was like.. wot the hell.. i have to do it and the trainer guy standing right behind me waiting to push me is encouragin me to jump and boosting my confidence!lol.. but alas! it dint work.. i finally did a funny suicide jump..! i was so ashamed! i could ve done it better! when a small girl could do it why cant i!!! its all cause of the FEAR in me! inspite of me knowing tht the rope tht is holding me is no way gonna snap..and the expertise the trainers had .. i still feard to jump! why!! this is what we call lack of trust! trust is really important in our lives to get past all our fears! we have to first trust ourselves! we have to trust our abilities! we have to trust everyhting tht we do! if i have had tht trust tht time during my jump.. i would have done it beautifully!! i wouldn have done a dumb jump like tht... tht day i learnt a lesson not to fear unnecessarily and learn to let go things.... after all life is for once and we dont have a second chance!!
DO NOT FEAR FOR IT IS NOT REAL!