Fantisezed emotions appearing real

its been sometime i socialised.. been quite sometime since i went out with my usual bunch of fun-loving friends.. life seems strange now.
been very busy with shooting and been having health problems on and off. i quit my job. now sittin jobless at home. never been like this before.. never been this jobless.. not that i dont want to work.. i dont feel like.. life seems empty without a lot of things. things i wanted to stay forever disappeared in no time. but one thing that has evolved in me is the capacity to take things and understand them. i have developed this quality of tolerance dont know from where. now there are very few people around me who i talk to. i always used to be surrounded by people but now, im lonely but not alone. i seem to enjoy this. i seem to understand the purpose of lie at last. i understand that life is not only about love but also hate, not only about relationships but separation, not only about wants but also needs, not only about happiness but also gloom, not only about friends who care but also about loneliness that teaches you to survive. im kinda happy now. with few people around me im learning a lot of things. i have applied for masters in advertising in sheridan, toronto. leaving in july. excited about it. mostly, going to leave all the good-bad memories behind. leaving for good as my friend ram once said. now i know how true it is.
hope i find my right track and drive through. i pray whoever, to give the courage to face all the hurdles i am going to face :)
wish me good luck!

life's even worse.. lol..

ha..it feels nice to write in this space after a very long time. hardly anytime!!shooting and office has kept me away from normal, happy life. its been days since i read newspaper, ate mom's yummmy food, met up wit my gang in the beach, slept my arse out for 34hours, smiled like a kid, star gazed, look at the kids ride cycle in my colony, i sang, i went to the plays happenin in the city, i shot wit my camera, i sat and though about my life, shopped,licked candy lolilypops, went to satyam to catch up wit a movie alone,exprienced a lazy evening....and what not.
thinking about all this, i feel my life is so used-less and freaking dull. am i lettin others to take up my life? i never wanted that. but eventually i end up being a victim to many mishaps that i really dont deserve. its hard to think about life. so many people around me, all strangers, scare me at times. sometimes it feels even my mom is stranger to me, why? i myself am a stranger to me. trust is something that i infer from the other person's vibes, but often i go wrong. im unable to understand people around me. i always wanted my happiness to be from me and not dependent on others. sometimes its very depressing to see someone i loved so much breaking the trust i had in him/her. life seems so pointless without understanding all this. its funny and irritating when i think about this. i dont know what i wrote here, but i feel good writing.
hope life gets better.

ha! i hate men!! i really do.. atleast lately..!! i am unable to stand them nowadays!! grr! not that i don't have men as ma friends.. some i love and some ...
y are they so chauvenistic? y are they this egoistic? why are the so insecure in life!! two things in thier lives without which they cannot live( atleast from which i ve noticed.) 1. booze 2. boobs.
u may say i have acquainted bad men or not all men are not the same.. but outta 100 i ve seen, 70 are like what i ve mentioned. i see men on the road everyday. they have to look at a girl and comment on her no matter what! do women do that to a man!?#$!@$ why! are they created like that?? huh?
they make a mistake and they try justifying it in such a way that you ll never want to talk back!
ok.. i hate men!

mind and the vaasanas..

mind is one powerful tool tht was created to think rationally.also called the intellect, mind is the brain child of (so called) GOD'S creation.
i love my mind at the same time hate it more than anything else. it controls my activities, thoughts, deeds,voluntary and involuntary movements, gives me happiness(not much tho) sadness.. tells me why tears come outta ma eyes, why i think that guy looks cute.. why tht dress suits me!! it answers to all my questions!! but very often plays a DOUBLE GAME. i call it mind game. you always wanna do something nice or wanna possess something tht u think is dear to you.. but at one point of time ur mind starts showing less interest in tht object and slowly tries to push it away.. why? is it because the mind is unstable.. is mind not well groomed?? is it a bitch??? i dont really get it!
ok.. fine.. let the mind be unstable..it has to bother the mind's owner(poor fellow) not anyone else.. atleast it shud not be tht obvious for anyone else to notice!! right??
its upto us to remain happy in life... we must learn to love ourselves..we must let our mind think that happiness is one step ahead and its upto us to grab it! why are we sad when we know happiness prevails..! why do we put ourselves in a sad situation? when we start empathising with many other poeple arpund us.. then i think we have no fuckin rights to be sad!
i saw one tribal family (korathi - husband , wife and two kids)dressed in their usual ragged clothes.i was waitin for my bus and all of a sudden a lady falls on the road crying and tht guy was hitting her ,the small boy tryin to defend his mother. i dint understand a thing they spoke(for tht matter no one did!!#!) they were abusing each other(i knew this coz i heard some really abusive tamil words) the lady crying aloud... weeping and banging her head on the road! mann.. tht was a sight!
phew! finally.. my bus came and i got into it..found a seat comfortably..and turned to get ma ticket.. guess who i see there!!?@$? tht tribal family in my bus!!#$@$ omg! they sat down in the bus though they had seats.. the small boy was still weeping and the lady still yapping away to glory and crying! people in the bus started laughing cause they were talkin some real funny language..but they lookd really cute! adorable expressions they had on their faces..the lady..! omg! she dint shut her mouth for continuous 45min!tht guy got bugged and he sneezed like on king kong..(i mean it.. all his mucous all over the place!!#!@$)they were fighting badly though no one cud understand them! i had a nice time watchin them fight... they were in despair..but all we cud do was laugh at them.. no one knows wot they were undergoing.. what was there in their MINDS...! i almost was nearing my place and was abt to get down..the lady slowly came upto him and patted him and smiled at him.. and the kids came running to them.. she told few words and the man also started smiling and they hugged each other..and i got down the bus...
i learnt two things from them.. 1. what ever it is...after all we are humans.. we fight.. we make mistakes.. its humane to forgive each other.. let us not let the mine take an upper hand in these kinds of situation for EGO will surface and not love..
2. when they can live so happily inspite of thier despair and fights and poverty and tears... I CAN ALSO LIVE A BETTER , HAPPY, SATISFIED LIFE..! im not gonna let my mind take over me for the love in me is supressed...
mind= maya

easily one of my favorite movies ever!
started off wit an ordinary man ,in the barren lands of south America, leading his normal life with a small cycle repair works shop!
one fine day, the wind of luck blew all over his place making him a millioner. he sold the best cars in the world which made him self contented...
one the other end... another family man.. rich enough to lead his family consisting of his wife and four children, lived happily in the town .. Toby Maguire being one of the kids! unfortunately the rich man loses all his possession in the great depression October 29, 1929,and hence had to give away toby in adoption to a guy who was a stable caretaker!Toby grows with the horses and the bonding btw the horses and Toby is shown so beautifully in the movie!!
then the millioner gets into horse race and the horse name sea biscuit, an adamant fierce horse was let into racing! but it just dint happen! then one of the best trainers and Toby was asked to take over the horse and race! Toby became its jockey!! mann!! here starts the story! toby slowly grooms biscuit and trains him.. understands his physical strength.. his thoughts..wonderfully taken!
amazin screenplay and direction! i just loved the stallion!!....
the story then takes its course..the jockey and the stallion..their chemistry.. their strength.... determination.. and so on..
a very motivating movie. MUST WATCH! ( wanted to write more.. but lost track!:( )

ok.. one very important character in ma class..
silent , sweet , secretive, and 'ever-late' to class! hahah! damn sweet thing. ppl think she s quite and pavam.. but mann.. once u get to talk to her.. " all masalas cme to the light! " thts meenal for u!

and then..oops! my fav! paviii! love her! amazin artist.. singer/./ she loves anime! and she loves me tooo! damn sweet! anythin and everythin .. anytime i rely on this girl.. can tell her everythin and she is there to listen! be the same!

miss hyper! love the way sh talks and her writing skills are par excellence! and we all came to know tht she is and amazin tv channel host after her tv production! haha!
and she can talk on anythin on earth., any topic ..there she goes..pop!
and rebellious! keep away! priti narayan!

candy! yes! as sweet as candy is candy! divya! not me!
i love her dogs! ( kekekeke)
and her photografic skills r too good! so real!
and she is simple.. carries the right attitude.. she knows wots right and wrong for her .
she is quite and at times cranky! love her clothes! and she is sometimes unfair(to u but bot to her). but she is a sweetheart! somehow i like her!

then.. ummm... ummm... nups! nupur! the baby of the class! small one! damn kyute!
laughin away all the time.. happy go lucky person!

ummm.. abi! chatter box! pah! yappin to glory! " i don care attitude " is her moto! loves a r rehman! she wrships him! cranky all the time! lol.. and shyaaaam!

umm..
i think im done!
love them all!